Friday, June 26, 2015

Review: "All Night Long: Sweet Valley High #5"

All Night Long: Sweet Valley High #5 by Francine Pascal
1 out of 5 stars

Before Reading: OMG, Jessica is dating Pornstache from Orange is the New Black!!! Look, proof!!! Also, why is she wearing her jean jacket on one shoulder?

The Main Plot in 50 Words or Less: Jessica dates an older guy and stays out all night. Liz covers for her. That's pretty much it.

The Second Plot in 20 Words or Less: Liz and Todd fight over Liz protecting Jess. The twins take a tourist guide license test. (Whatever that is.)

Opening Lines: "What do you think? Do I look sophisticated enough for Scott?" Jessica Wakefield stood poised before the full-length mirror in her twin sister's bedroom, chin thrown back, her lovely features arranged in a languid pout.

Closing Lines: Tomorrow, she promised herself, stifling the tiny stitch of fear in the pit of her stomach. I'll tell him tomorrow...

Best WTF Lines: There had been a dumb, leering smile on his face when he'd made the old joke about them being "double the fun". Elizabeth had nearly gagged. [me too]

It was a kind of grown-up pajama party, with everyone wearing nightshirts and nightgowns, and the floor strewn with mattresses for them to sit on instead of chairs.

...there was a manlike hardness to his bronzed build she found dangerous and exciting. ...she sensed it wouldn't be so easy fending him off if they were alone.

"...Scott sure likes 'em young...gotta watch out for them when they're that age. All tease and no tickle...jailbait, if you ask me..."

Happenings in SV: Jessica wants to go to a beach party with this college-aged guy, Scott, and Elizabeth doesn't think she should. Jessica goes anyway and gets in over her head. Everyone is drinking beer and smoking joints. (Jess does not partake.) Scott takes Jessica into the woods or something and tries to go further than she wants. She fends him off, Scott calls her a baby and leaves her there, after saying the party is an all-nighter and she's not getting home.

Elizabeth is furious when she doesn't come home the next morning, but covers for her. Todd thinks she's being used again and they argue over it, big time. Cara sees Liz (as Jess) talking to Todd and spreads tons of gossip about it. Of course, they get back together in the end. Blegh. There's a big surfing contest between Bill Chase and a new guy, Sonny Callahan. Todd sold Bill his surfboard to get the money for a Yamaha motorcycle. Liz is apprehensive about it. Bill wins the contest.

Fashion Icons: "This halter top would look really sexy with my red shorts," Jessica said, holding up a scrap of lacy white cloth as she smiled sweetly at her twin.

In her chamois bikini and cornrowed blond hair, the girl was a dead ringer for Bo Derek.
In her [Jessica] new red string bikini she was a match even for "Miss 10", if she did say so herself.

She [Elizabeth] slid into a pair of old jeans worn to velvety softness and yanked a long-sleeved T-shirt over her head. Quickly she combed her wet hair and secured it with a tortoiseshell clip on either side. She was jamming her feet into a pair of moccasins when the phone rang. 
Choosing a short, bias-cut skirt and matching striped top that was one of Jessica's favorite outfits, she (Elizabeth) hastily made the change, pulling the clips out of her hair and giving her head a shake. A dash of her twin's favorite cologne and some of her lipstick and she was read to go downstairs and greet the world as Jessica Wakefield.

She'd (Alice Wakefield) gotten up at dawn to go jogging, as she did every morning, and still was wearing her burgundy velour warm-ups and her running shoes. Her honey-blond hair was caught up in a ponytail, adding a youthfulness to her tanned, slender appearance that made her seem closer to her daughters' age than her own.

Dana was in one of her usual outrageous getups: an oversize t-shirt over a red-striped miniskirt; purple tights; and black suede ankle boots. An enormous gold loop dangled from one pierce earlobe; the other sported a tiny silver star.

Lila, in her metallic-blue one-piece, her wavy light-brown hair done up in French braids, was practically draped over his board as she feigned a keen interest in surfing.

Twin Hijinks: When Jessica doesn't come home, Elizabeth pretends to be her twin with her mom and at school. It works of course. She takes her tourist guide test for her too but bombs it horribly.

Other Thoughts: This book was so horribly disgusting, like the last one, but I had to give this a one star. Seriously, Scott is so gross. But I was so surprised the authors didn't take it all the way. It's weird that they really don't mention S-E-X in any of these early books. Oh yeah, they make out and Scott slips his hands down Jess' bikini bottoms, but that's it. **Trigger warning: Are you seriously telling me that this skeezy, college-aged, pornstache guy would stop when this little high-school girl tells him to?? There's no way. And the reason I gave it one star, besides the skeeze, was because the Scott storyline was basically 2 chapters and then he was gone. Like, he's on the cover!

The Next Book*: Will Todd's motorcycle drive them apart? Find out in Sweet Valley High #6, DANGEROUS LOVE.

*(not necessarily what I'll be reading)


  1. This seriously one of the funniest reviews I have ever read. Great comparison of Scott and Pornstache. Scott is a true creep. Thanks for humorous review.

    1. Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed it. :)